Christian Almanac: Where Faith Meets Real Life
Episode 35 Transcript
Transcript: Accepting Help Doesn’t Make You Less Independent
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In Christian Almanac Episode 35, Accepting Help Doesn’t Make You Less Independent, Jacquelyn Lynn explores why capable people sometimes struggle to receive generosity and how healthy independence differs from both isolation and unhealthy dependence. The transcript includes Segment 1, When It’s Your Turn to Receive, Segment 2, Independence Doesn’t Mean Doing It Alone, and the Real Life Tip.
My husband, Jerry, is one of those people who gladly does things for other people. He’s generous with his time, his skills, and his help.
But when someone wants to do something for him, that’s different.
His first instinct is often to say no.
And one of my closest friends is very much the same way. She is one of the most giving, generous people I know, and yet she would rather hire somebody to do something than accept help from a friend who is perfectly willing—and even happy—to do it for her.
For example, if she needs someone to drive her to a medical appointment, she looks for someone she can pay before she asks a friend.
I don’t think either of them is unusual.
Some of us are much better at giving than receiving.
As Christians, we hear a lot about generosity. We’re encouraged to give, serve, help, share, care for people, and use what we have for the benefit of others.
And rightly so.
But there’s another side to that.
If everybody is supposed to give, somebody has to be willing to receive.
And sometimes receiving graciously is harder than giving graciously.
When we’re the giver, we’re usually still in control. We’re the capable one. We’re the one with something to offer.
Receiving puts us in a different position.
It may mean admitting that we could use some help.
It may mean letting somebody else do something we’re perfectly capable of doing ourselves.
It may mean being vulnerable enough to let someone care for us.
And for people who are accustomed to being independent, capable, and helpful, that can be surprisingly uncomfortable.
There can be all sorts of reasons for that.
Maybe we don’t want to be a burden.
Maybe we’re afraid that accepting something means we’ll owe the other person.
Maybe we’ve had experiences with people whose gifts really did come with strings attached.
Maybe we simply don’t like needing anybody.
And sometimes, yes, pride may be part of it.
But whatever the reason, I think it’s worth paying attention to that automatic response that says, “No, I’m fine. I can do it myself.”
Because sometimes “I’m fine” is simply true.
And sometimes it’s a defense mechanism.
But there’s something else we may not think about: When we automatically refuse someone’s generosity, our decision doesn’t affect only us. It affects the person who is trying to give.
I’ve told Jerry many times that when he refuses to let other people do something for him, he may be denying them the opportunity—and the joy—of serving and giving.
We usually think of generosity as something the giver does. But generosity can’t happen without someone to receive it.
And if you’ve ever tried to help someone who kept refusing, you know that can be frustrating.
Have you ever genuinely wanted to help someone and they simply wouldn’t let you?
You weren’t expecting repayment.
You weren’t trying to create an obligation.
You just wanted to do something kind for somebody you cared about.
And they kept saying no.
At some point, their refusal affects you too.
Sometimes the generous thing is to let another person give.
That applies to bigger things, like helping somebody through an illness or a difficult season. But it also shows up in very ordinary moments.
Someone offers to bring you dinner.
Someone offers you a ride.
Someone invites you to stay in their home.
Someone offers to help with a project.
Someone gives you a gift.
Or somebody simply pays you a compliment.
Even compliments can be surprisingly hard for some people to receive.
Someone says, “You did a great job,” and instead of saying thank you, we immediately explain why it really wasn’t that good or why it wasn’t a big deal.
Someone tells us we look nice, and we point out everything that’s wrong.
Sometimes a simple “Thank you. I appreciate that” is the most gracious response.
The same is true with favors and gifts.
If somebody does something for us and our first thought is, “Now I need to do something for them,” we may have turned their gift into a debt before we’ve even received it.
That doesn’t mean being a gracious receiver gives us permission to take from other people without ever giving back.
Of course we should be generous in return. Over time, good relationships naturally involve giving and receiving.
But it doesn’t have to be an immediate transaction.
Your friend drives you to the doctor today. You don’t have to figure out what you can do tomorrow to pay her back.
Maybe months from now she’ll need something and you’ll be there for her.
Or maybe the opportunity to help will come through someone else entirely.
Generosity doesn’t always move back and forth between two people in equal amounts on a predictable schedule.
Sometimes we simply receive.
There’s an interesting moment in John 13 when Jesus washes the disciples’ feet.
When Jesus comes to Peter, Peter objects. He doesn’t want Jesus washing his feet.
Jesus tells Peter that he needs to allow it.
Now, there are much bigger truths in that passage than the point I’m making here. But I think Peter’s reaction shows us something very human.
It can be uncomfortable to be the one being served. Especially when we think we should be the one doing the serving.
Christian community isn’t meant to consist of a few permanent givers surrounded by permanent receivers.
There will be times when you’re the person who can help.
There may also be times when you’re the one who needs help.
And being willing to ask for help and receive it doesn’t make you weak, irresponsible, or entitled.
That’s an important distinction.
Being a gracious receiver doesn’t mean expecting other people to take care of you.
It doesn’t mean accepting every offer.
In fact, some offers should be declined.
A gift may come with strings attached. Someone may be trying to manipulate you, create an obligation, cross a boundary, or gain access to your life that you don’t want them to have.
Discernment still matters.
But that’s different from automatically rejecting appropriate generosity because receiving makes us uncomfortable.
So here’s something simple to notice.
The next time somebody offers to do something for you and your immediate answer is, “No, I’m fine,” give yourself a second before you say it.
Ask yourself: Is there actually a good reason to refuse this?
Or am I just uncomfortable letting someone else do something for me?
And if there isn’t a good reason to say no, try saying yes.
Then say thank you.
And let that be enough.
We spend a lot of time learning how to be generous givers, and we should.
But sometimes the gracious thing is to let somebody else be generous.
That leads to a bigger question, because there’s a difference between being appropriately independent, becoming overly dependent on other people, and recognizing that none of us was meant to do everything alone.
When we come back, we’ll look at independence, dependence, and healthy interdependence.
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Welcome back. In the first segment, we talked about how difficult it can be to let other people help us.
And I think part of the reason is that most of us have been taught that independence is a good thing.
That was certainly my mother’s goal for me. She wanted her children to grow up able to take care of themselves, make decisions, solve problems, and handle the responsibilities of adult life.
And that’s the goal of most of the parents I know.
We don’t raise children hoping they’ll always need us to do everything for them. We want them to grow up.
We want them to become independent.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Healthy independence means being willing and able to take responsibility for your own life.
It means making your own decisions when they’re yours to make.
It means taking care of the things you’re capable of taking care of.
It means accepting the consequences of your choices instead of expecting somebody else to fix everything for you.
That’s maturity.
But independence can get distorted.
It can turn from “I’m responsible for what’s mine to do” into “I shouldn’t need anybody.”
And those are not the same thing.
The truth is, none of us is completely independent.
As Christians, we know that—most importantly because we are dependent on God.
Jesus says in John 15:5, “apart from me you can do nothing.”
That doesn’t mean we sit around waiting for God to do everything for us.
We still work. We plan. We make decisions. We take responsibility.
But we do all of that with the recognition that we are not ultimately self-sufficient. We depend on God for life itself, for wisdom and strength, and for his grace.
And I think part of spiritual maturity is recognizing just how dependent we are on him.
Dependence on other people is a little different.
There are certainly times when we legitimately need someone else to take care of us or help carry the load.
We start life completely dependent on other people.
And later, illness, injury, age, crisis, or circumstances we never expected may put us in that position again.
There’s nothing shameful about that.
But there’s also a kind of dependence that isn’t healthy.
That happens when we expect other people to take responsibility for things that really belong to us.
There’s a difference between needing help and handing somebody else responsibility for your life.
If I can solve a problem but continually expect someone else to solve it for me, that’s different from asking for help because the problem is more than I can handle alone.
If I repeatedly make poor choices and expect other people to rescue me from the consequences, that’s not community. That’s avoiding responsibility.
So we don’t want unhealthy dependence.
But the answer isn’t to swing all the way to the other extreme and decide that strong, mature people never need anybody.
That isn’t healthy independence. It’s isolation.
That brings us to interdependence.
And the simplest way I know to explain the difference is this:
Independence says, “I can take responsibility for myself.” It’s good, but it can be taken to extremes.
Unhealthy dependence says, “You need to take responsibility for me.”
Interdependence says, “We each take responsibility for ourselves, and we also help one another.”
That’s where I think healthy relationships—and healthy Christian community—are supposed to be.
We each have responsibilities that belong to us.
But we also have things to contribute to other people, and things we need from them.
And that goes far beyond helping somebody move furniture or bringing dinner when they’re sick.
As Christians, we’re supposed to help each other grow.
Sometimes that means encouraging someone. Sometimes it means saying something they may not particularly want to hear. It can mean helping someone see what they’re missing, or praying for them when they’re struggling.
And other times, we’re the ones who need someone to do those things for us.
Christian community isn’t just about having people to call when your car won’t start.
It’s about having people who help you become more faithful, more discerning, and more mature.
Paul gives us a useful picture of this in Galatians 6. In verse 2, he tells us to “carry each other’s burdens.”
And then just a few verses later, he says that each person should carry their own load.
At first, those statements can sound contradictory.
Are we supposed to carry our own load, or are we supposed to carry each other’s burdens?
The answer is both.
There are things in life that are mine to carry—my choices, my responsibilities, my commitments, my part in a relationship, my work, and my obedience to God.
I shouldn’t expect somebody else to carry those for me.
But there are also burdens that can become too heavy to carry alone.
And sometimes loving someone means stepping in and helping.
Sometimes being part of a healthy community means allowing someone to step in and help us.
Paul uses another picture in 1 Corinthians 12 when he describes the church as a body.
Different parts have different functions, but they belong to each other.
And one part can’t say to another, “I don’t need you.”
That may be one of the hardest things for very independent people to admit:
I need you.
Not because I’m helpless. Not because I expect you to run my life.
But because God didn’t design us to live in complete isolation from one another.
And this matters in our work and leadership too.
A strong leader should be able to make decisions and accept responsibility for them.
But a leader who never asks for advice, never listens to other people, never delegates, and never admits needing help may not be demonstrating strength.
That person may simply be isolated.
On the other hand, someone who constantly needs other people to make decisions for them, or clean up the consequences of their poor decisions, isn’t taking enough responsibility.
Healthy leadership needs both.
We need the ability to stand on our own feet.
And we need the wisdom to know when we shouldn’t be standing alone.
So maybe it’s worth asking ourselves a few questions.
Am I carrying what’s mine to carry?
Am I expecting someone else to take responsibility for something that belongs to me?
Or have I gone so far in the other direction that I resist help, advice, accountability, or support because I think I should be able to handle everything myself?
And maybe most importantly: Am I living as though everything depends entirely on me, or am I remembering that ultimately, I depend on God?
Independence is a good thing when it means maturity and responsibility.
But there are times when depending on other people is appropriate because we genuinely need help. And our dependence on God is fundamental to the Christian life.
And interdependence is what happens when responsible people understand that we still need one another.
We carry what is ours to carry.
We help other people when their burdens become heavy.
And when it’s our turn to receive, we let them help us.
That’s the balance: taking responsibility for ourselves without pretending we can—or should—do everything alone.
Sometimes we’re the one serving.
Sometimes we’re the one being served.
And maturity includes learning to do both graciously.
I’ll be back in a moment with this week’s real life tip.
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This week’s Real Life Tip is a simple safety habit that can also become a fun part of your morning routine.
Parents, take a quick picture of your kids every morning before they head out for the day.
It doesn’t have to be posed or perfect. Make it part of getting ready for school—grab the backpack, check the lunchbox, snap the picture.
If something happens later that day and your child is lost, missing, or involved in an accident, you’ll have a current photo showing exactly what your child looks like and what they’re wearing.
You won’t have to search through older pictures or try to remember whether they were wearing the blue shirt or the red one, jeans or shorts, sneakers or sandals.
You’ll have it right there on your phone.
And you can make the picture fun. Let your kids make a face, strike a pose, or come up with their own morning picture routine. At the end of the day, you can delete the photo—or save it and eventually have a visual record of how much they’ve grown and changed.
The same idea can be useful if you care for an older adult with dementia or another condition that could cause confusion or wandering.
Take a picture each morning, even if you’re not planning to leave home. If that person wanders away, you’ll have an up-to-date photo showing their appearance and clothing that day.
So make it a habit: one quick picture every morning.
It takes only a few seconds, it can be fun, and if you ever need it, you’ll be very glad you took it.
Thanks for being here. See you next time.
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